I turned forty recently. What a landmark. A milestone. I made it this far alive and still kicking, in spite of some pretty rough water the past few years.
Rough water caused by the storm of Depression. Black clouds and thunderheads have threatened to capsize my fragile little boat. But I’m still here. By hook or by crook, here I am firmly planted on planet Earth, telling my story to you.
I'm one of those types of people who can be very hard on themselves, very driven, it's all-or-nothing. I was a perfectionist as a kid, a bit of a loner, shy, arty, sensitive; I loved books and escaping reality. My dad was a pastor (who burnt out when I was 17).
The state of the world always bothered me so I spent my twenties trying to change it by getting involved in youth work. I had great leaders around me who warned me to be careful and take care of myself... but did I listen? Of course not. There was a world to put to rights by next week! (Maybe I subconsciously thought I could finish what my dad had started?)
As a single gal, there was nothing outside myself to force me to slow down. I slept, ate and breathed youth work.
The programme, Creative Learning Scheme (CLS), is still going strong and is now the largest "alternative education programme in NZ.
All hell broke loose. Within three weeks of getting married I was having panic attacks and felt like I was drowning. It felt like I was literally losing my mind: I didn't want to pray, couldn't face reading my Bible, cried every time I went to church. I was having panic attacks, I couldn't face crowds, busy streets, or noise. I couldn't make decisions or handle any kind of stress - my thoughts would get into a traffic jam. My anger would erupt without warning, and then other times I would feel like I was falling down a deep dark hole, where I just wanted to curl up in a ball and cry.
I had no enthusiasm for life, it felt like a heavy burden to me. I couldn't face the thought of having to go on living for the next fifty years - my husband was planning a long future together and I was just wishing the world would end.
The thing that perplexed me was that on the surface of things my life was finally what I had dreamed of - I had a husband, a new house, I got to travel, had a great job and a new baby coming...but on the inside I was in hell.
Finally my husband dragged me to see a counselor when I was six months pregnant, pouring out his concerns about me to this very wise old gent, Brian McStay, who looked at me and said those words, "I think you are clinically depressed."
I hadn't been very good to myself, physically or emotionally. I was running on empty and was terribly unhealthy. Looking back over my journals from my twenties I see a recurring theme - I would go 100km an hour, without putting anything "in" to my emotional tank. I would drag myself to the end of each year by sheer willpower, feeling like I just couldn't face another year. Then after a few weeks holiday I would feel so much better and dive back into it again, only to repeat the pattern. I don't know how I lasted as long as I did. In this depleted state, it didn't take much to trigger me into full-on depression.
I’m still here all these years later, still walking the road, making progress slowly, surely.
Sure, I may “walk with a limp”; depression and anxiety are a weakness, a vulnerability I have.
But I’ve had to learn to be kinder to myself, to recognize the warning signs and to not take on too much.
One of the things that really helped me is Art Therapy and Visual Journaling. Discovering art therapy was like learning to speak my mother tongue; it helped me connect back to God again in a new and non-striving way. Getting out in the garden, going for a walk, sipping coffee in the sunshine… they all help lift me on the days I feel a bit under a cloud.
A DVD by Dr Grant Mullen has also helped tremendously. Dr Mullen explains that Depression is the only physical illness with spiritual symptoms, which confuses many people and adds huge heaps of guilt to the torment Christians with depression are already facing (lousy Christian, not enough faith etc).
He says that since Depression affects all three areas of our lives - body (biochemical), soul (mind, will and emotions) and our spirit, unless we sort out the biochemical problem, how can we get our thoughts and emotions into order?
I started out trying to manage the depression without taking medication but as more babies joined our family, I found that the anti-depressants were necessary after all. But there’s no shame in that. Medication work on your brain the way a cast helps to mend a broken leg. Meds provide support to hold your thoughts in order so healing can follow. Nobody would ever judge someone for having a cast on their leg, would they?
I share quite openly about my journey through depression here on my blog as I’ve always felt it was crucial to be honest about my struggles, as so many others struggle in the same way but often feel all alone.
I was inspired to write a post called "Broken" a while back - my revelation on how God fits into the Depression picture. As my journey has progressed I have become better at recognising the early warning signs, and am able to head off "the black dog" before it gets loose.
Depression is not something we can just snap out of. Oh how I wish it were! It’s a debilitating illness that manifests itself with spiritual and emotional symptoms. There is no quick fix.
What we need from those around us is Love. Your love, support, kindness and acceptance do more than any medicine. We need your Faith in us as worthwhile people. And to borrow your Hope that we will come through the storms when they blow up. As they will.
With your support we will come through, and afterwards the grit of pain and difficulty will have been turned into a Pearl of Wisdom. Something precious to offer the world.
Rough water caused by the storm of Depression. Black clouds and thunderheads have threatened to capsize my fragile little boat. But I’m still here. By hook or by crook, here I am firmly planted on planet Earth, telling my story to you.
I'm one of those types of people who can be very hard on themselves, very driven, it's all-or-nothing. I was a perfectionist as a kid, a bit of a loner, shy, arty, sensitive; I loved books and escaping reality. My dad was a pastor (who burnt out when I was 17).
The state of the world always bothered me so I spent my twenties trying to change it by getting involved in youth work. I had great leaders around me who warned me to be careful and take care of myself... but did I listen? Of course not. There was a world to put to rights by next week! (Maybe I subconsciously thought I could finish what my dad had started?)
As a single gal, there was nothing outside myself to force me to slow down. I slept, ate and breathed youth work.
At the age of 27 I started up an education programme through our church (Equippers Auckland) for at-risk kids who had dropped out of mainstream school.
Watching the movie Once were Warriors moved and inspired me. It’s a tale of family breakdown, violence, sexual abuse and teen suicide all filmed in my hometown. After seeing it, I spent all night crying over these kids who were so broken and lost. I prayed, "God I know I'm just a middle class white girl with no qualifications, but if you can use me to help these kids then show me how."
Within a couple of years a whole bunch of "Once Were Warriors" kids had started coming to our church youth group, which I was leading. A series of conversations led to a decision to "use what we had" and start something for the ones who simply would not go to school.
The programme, Creative Learning Scheme (CLS), is still going strong and is now the largest "alternative education programme in NZ.
But it was heavy stuff - after three years I was totally depleted. I'd tried to carry the weight of these kids' extreme problems myself - broken families sexual abuse, violence, drugs, crime. A huge shock to a sensitive soul like me!
It was around about this time I met my husband.
I finished working at CLS, we got married and I thought, "Hey I can relax now, my dreams have finally come true; my prince has come and my troubles are over..."
All hell broke loose. Within three weeks of getting married I was having panic attacks and felt like I was drowning. It felt like I was literally losing my mind: I didn't want to pray, couldn't face reading my Bible, cried every time I went to church. I was having panic attacks, I couldn't face crowds, busy streets, or noise. I couldn't make decisions or handle any kind of stress - my thoughts would get into a traffic jam. My anger would erupt without warning, and then other times I would feel like I was falling down a deep dark hole, where I just wanted to curl up in a ball and cry.I had no enthusiasm for life, it felt like a heavy burden to me. I couldn't face the thought of having to go on living for the next fifty years - my husband was planning a long future together and I was just wishing the world would end.
The thing that perplexed me was that on the surface of things my life was finally what I had dreamed of - I had a husband, a new house, I got to travel, had a great job and a new baby coming...but on the inside I was in hell.
 |
| Art Therapy: "Burdens" |
Finally my husband dragged me to see a counselor when I was six months pregnant, pouring out his concerns about me to this very wise old gent, Brian McStay, who looked at me and said those words, "I think you are clinically depressed."
I hadn't been very good to myself, physically or emotionally. I was running on empty and was terribly unhealthy. Looking back over my journals from my twenties I see a recurring theme - I would go 100km an hour, without putting anything "in" to my emotional tank. I would drag myself to the end of each year by sheer willpower, feeling like I just couldn't face another year. Then after a few weeks holiday I would feel so much better and dive back into it again, only to repeat the pattern. I don't know how I lasted as long as I did. In this depleted state, it didn't take much to trigger me into full-on depression.
I’m still here all these years later, still walking the road, making progress slowly, surely.
Sure, I may “walk with a limp”; depression and anxiety are a weakness, a vulnerability I have.
But I’ve had to learn to be kinder to myself, to recognize the warning signs and to not take on too much.
 |
| Art Therapy: Refuge in the Desert |
One of the things that really helped me is Art Therapy and Visual Journaling. Discovering art therapy was like learning to speak my mother tongue; it helped me connect back to God again in a new and non-striving way. Getting out in the garden, going for a walk, sipping coffee in the sunshine… they all help lift me on the days I feel a bit under a cloud.
A DVD by Dr Grant Mullen has also helped tremendously. Dr Mullen explains that Depression is the only physical illness with spiritual symptoms, which confuses many people and adds huge heaps of guilt to the torment Christians with depression are already facing (lousy Christian, not enough faith etc).
He says that since Depression affects all three areas of our lives - body (biochemical), soul (mind, will and emotions) and our spirit, unless we sort out the biochemical problem, how can we get our thoughts and emotions into order?
I started out trying to manage the depression without taking medication but as more babies joined our family, I found that the anti-depressants were necessary after all. But there’s no shame in that. Medication work on your brain the way a cast helps to mend a broken leg. Meds provide support to hold your thoughts in order so healing can follow. Nobody would ever judge someone for having a cast on their leg, would they?
I share quite openly about my journey through depression here on my blog as I’ve always felt it was crucial to be honest about my struggles, as so many others struggle in the same way but often feel all alone.
I was inspired to write a post called "Broken" a while back - my revelation on how God fits into the Depression picture. As my journey has progressed I have become better at recognising the early warning signs, and am able to head off "the black dog" before it gets loose.
 |
| Art Therapy: Sorrow for My Family |
A Little Rant about Depression
Depression is still little-understood and those who suffer with it often have to endure well-meaning advice from those who have never been there - or worse - rejection and judgement.Depression is not something we can just snap out of. Oh how I wish it were! It’s a debilitating illness that manifests itself with spiritual and emotional symptoms. There is no quick fix.
What we need from those around us is Love. Your love, support, kindness and acceptance do more than any medicine. We need your Faith in us as worthwhile people. And to borrow your Hope that we will come through the storms when they blow up. As they will.
With your support we will come through, and afterwards the grit of pain and difficulty will have been turned into a Pearl of Wisdom. Something precious to offer the world.
I have already heard from many of you who have emailed me after reading my journey. I count it a privilege to be able to share with you. You'd be surprised at how many wonderful women battle this Black Cloud. Remember you are not alone!
If any of this has struck a chord with you, I would love to hear from you. You can email me on greatfun4kids@live.com.
 |
| Art Therapy: The Forest of Unforgiveness |
I have already heard from many of you who have emailed me after reading my journey. I count it a privilege to be able to share with you. You'd be surprised at how many wonderful women battle this Black Cloud. Remember you are not alone!
If any of this has struck a chord with you, I would love to hear from you. You can email me on greatfun4kids@live.com.
 |
| Art Therapy: Breaking Storm |
Need Help...?
If you are reading this and wondering if you may have depression, visit one of these websites and do the self test:Don't suffer alone. Speak to your doctor. Find a wise counselor or psycho-therapist (ask around for recommendations). Share with a close friend. Ask for support from your spouse and ask them to come with you for a few sessions with the counselor so they get the same understanding you do. Believe me it will make the world of difference.
My Other Stories on Depression
Love and hugs from
